Internal Prayer

It is a still Sunday night and I find myself prayerful in my chest.
Praying for and about the kind of husband that I would like for God to grant me.


Someone who understands vulnerability and does not fear it. Someone who is teachable and unafraid of trusting.
Someone who’s pride is not in the league of Mount Kilimanjaro.


May he please be a man of character, who’s word is sufficient to be the sole foundation of our house.
The tongues roll over and over in my chest, in an effort to paint an accurate picture of the depth of yearning for his companionship.


Dear God, please let him be kind.
Let him have a beautiful smile with a bellowing laugh that awakens the deaths within me.
Let him be compassionate.


And please please, may he be the harbinger of all that is peaceful, beautiful and loving. ❤️

In Love Alone, Unprovoked

We write beautiful sonnets, ourselves and we place them ever so gently in the center of our own hearts.

We place them on pedestals, lather them in oils we do not lather our own bodies with.

We wait as eagerly as we await sunrises for their acknowledgment and meaninglessness texts.

We fill our own hearts with oceans and oceans of love that we were never given.

We overperform and outperform on the basis of promises we were never given, as if the oceans of love we’ve filled our hearts with have somehow created a cage around their hearts and reserved it only for us.

We toil, we smile, we dress up and we suppress things that hurt us. We swallow our words emotions til they suffocate us.

We write and we write endless sonnets, even though their actions contradict the emotions we assign to them. And contradict the oceans of love we harbor in their honour.

We toil and we toil, until the act of loving a heart that does not love yours begins to feel like dragging your own heart through a hallway laced with shattered glass.

We continue to lather them in oils and place them on pedestals until our hearts stop beating oceans of love. Until our hearts become consumed in hatred for the wasted love that is not returned.. Until our hearts are so broken and permanently scarred

We toil and we toil until one day, we remember not the promises that inspired us to love… Because these promises were never given to us.

The 3rd Last Sunset of my 20’s/ On the Eve of Turning 30.

Today I woke up feeling quite low, not because anything had happened to make me feel that way.
I woke up thinking quite deeply about my life and the purpose I was chasing in making my move from Cape Town to Johannesburg.
I woke up feeling quite disillusioned, and I proceeded to wreck my brain for about an hour trying to reorganize and reprioritize my plans and goals for the year or before I turned 30.
The reasons behind this entire exercise was simply that I was feeling quite panicked at not having met any of the goals I had in mind when I made my big move to the land of the free, as I call it.
What I envisioned when sorting through the endless list of reasons to move was something quite different from the reality I am currently living. This is not because there’s no enjoyment or fulfillment to be found in my day to day life, but rather that the softer and more gentle goals are being met with so much more ease than the bigger goals that I’m still hoping to manifest before the sun sets on 2019… Although my true hope was that these goals would have been manifested by the time the sun sets on my 20’s, 3 sunsets from today.

I proceeded to pick up a book and start reading, in an effort to exercise gentleness and self Love in the midst of the pressure and back handed self prosecution that I was putting myself through. That certainly brought me calm and proceeded to encourage further acts of self Love which took the form of a home made face scrub and mask, mixing of various oils to restore the glow, healthy and charm my dreadlocks, a foot soak and scrub and ended with sitting in the afternoon sun and allowing my now well-nourished dreadlocks to dry in the sun. These dreadlocks were in fact the 26th birthday present I gave myself as an affirmation and representation of my freedom and encouragement in my pursuit for happiness in the ways I wanted to experience it and manifesting the me that I felt had been suppressed for some years. I digress.

At the end of my long day of detailed beauty routines and acts of self love, I find myself feeling quite fulfilled and happy with what I was able to achieve with and for myself today..
I find myself feeling encouraged, as I sit down to restructure and reprioritize my goals, to proceed to carry these out with the same gentleness, enjoyment and certainty of a positive outcome that I adopted as I carried out my acts of self Love today.

Words came to me as I saw my tasks to completion and sat outside in my tranquil garden, a garden I spoke of and searched for relentlessly for over a year.. Even prior to securing a home to settle in when I finally moved.. And even prior to concluding those goals that I had that bound me to Cape Town, I see that I have met many goals, I have enjoyed successes in my pursuits.. More than I fail to remember or choose to ignore in my times of impatience and self prosecution. With intention, I allow myself to acknowledge that I have met many goals,with a committed, relentless and gentle effort.

On a day like this, as I sit here.. I realize and am affirmed of one thing, On a day like this I breathe and wake up to a truth that THIS kind of simple joy, serenity, peace and fulfillment is all I ever wanted from life.

I wish to always be reminded of this, whenever met with feelings and thoughts that consumed me when I woke in this Sunday morning. I wish to be reminded that THIS is the kind of peace that underpins the achieving of all that I intend to pursue that this kind of serenity breeds the creativity, courage and drive that is found at the heart of manifested goals and fulfilled purpose.

2 more sunsets remain, as I approach the first sunrise of being 30. I’m grateful.

All Hail!

All hail the spirits in existence within me!
I bow down to you
For you have won battles on my behalf that I did not stand a chance at winning

You put aside your differences and congregated, in my honor.. For my salvation, my survival and my victory.

All hail all the gods in existence within me
Because of your guidance , I have searched and continue to search for and awaken the goddess within me.
You placed, in my path, challenges, teachings and tests to train me and develop the parts of me that would know a god when I see one.. Because I now know that I am a goddess.
You bestowed upon me the capacity and the wisdom to be discerning, composed and self aware that I may know how to listen and before observant more than I know how to speak of and respond to happenings… And people.

All hail all the spirits in my arsenal, you Kings and Queens of battle. Always armed and ready tp enter battles in my defense.
All hail your gentle love and your wildly impatient nature.. That you instill within me daily the courage to stand up against and walk away from those things and those people that compromise my goddess status.

All hail all hail
The gods and the spirits that walk with me into nd through darkness and ensure that I come out unscathed!

The Chaukes’s and Mhinga’, nwa Mpuzi na va Mhinga.

All hail all of you, for the bravely in my heart, the certainty of self in my chest and the stern confidence in my spine..

I salute you, I honor you, I bow down humbly to you. From you I flowed, from your marrow I was formed and in your time transcending aura of royalty and greatness I now walk.

From your presence in my dreams, from your visions and your unceasing communication I now know who I am.

Nwa Sunduza, nwa Mhinga, ntukulu wa matimba lamakulu ma nwa Mpuzi.

You are me. You are within me. You are with me.

And I with you.
All hail all of you.

What happens to a girl when her heart is broken?

What happens to a girl when her trust is broken?

What happens to a girl when her faith is let down?

What happens to a girl when her love is betrayed?

And what happens to a girl when her confidence is broken?

What happens to a girl when her spirit is broken?

What happens to a girl when her self belief is stolen?

What happens to a girl when her sense of peace is taken?

What happens to a girl when her happiness is depleted?

What must happen to a girl, when all these things exist within her all at once?

Where must a girl begin her efforts to heal the many parts of her that need healing?

Who must a girl reach out to for guidance on a journey of healing.

Demons

Tonight I’m struggling to tame my demons
These demons of insecurity are out in full force
Their whispers are getting louder louder
As they say mean things about me. They talk past me and over me as if I’m not even here, hosting them
They make me feel small and unworthy.
Sometimes, when I look at the faces of the people around me.. It’s almost as though they can hear them too
Is it me or is it the voices? Are they no longer whispering?
I try to observe, to listen and to understand what they say so I know which way to dissect them
But if I’m honest, I don’t think it’ll work tonight
Their whispers are getting louder and my feelings are hurting
Tears are welling up in my eyes and I don’t know who to look to for comfort
I understand that it’s my journey and I’m the one who needs to fight
But tonight I lack the strength, I lack the words and I lack the thick skin to pretend I cannot hear… And pretend to be unaffected
The advice I give to my friends doesn’t always work on me..
Maybe I’m more broken than I realize
But maybe if I lay still enough, the whispers will subside
Yes It is my journey, and I’m the one who needs to fight
I’ll lay here and listen, if the whispers don’t subside then maybe I’ll understand them better when their done
Or maybe, maybe I’ll understand me better

Untitled

There are some fundamental functions of the human body that will never be disrupted.

The beating of the heart, the inhaling and exhaling of the lungs and the circulating of blood.

Regardless of the depth of one’s heartbreak, the extent of any pain inflicted… These functions do not seize to occur.

As such, in my search for healing I appeal to all my major and minor functions to please, please carry me…

Dear heart, as you beat.. Would you please beat the pain out of my chest?

Dear lungs, as you compel me to exhale would you please carry with you the pain that sits firmly on my chest?

Dear air, as I inhale, would you please carry within you molecules of healing powder that might help to mend my broken heart?

Dear feet, as you carry me around daily, would you please guide my steps towards those places, people and things that will advance my healing journey?

Dear eyes, as you continue to see would you please help me to see clearer the path that I should take on this search for meaning?

Dear hands, as you embrace me each morning and each night, would you please infuse into your embraces the loving reminders that I am loved and valued and worthy?

Renewed Gratitude

Grateful for the challenges inherent at every stage of my journey, for they keep me alert and innovative.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn and to be  challenged for it gives me the opportunity to exercise and grow my faith.. Both in God and in myself.

I am grateful for the joy I feel in my heart each morning when I wake and for every feeling that follows  for the keep me from forgetting that I will forever be a work in progress.

I’m grateful that I find myself here, in this silently chaotic place, feeling completely clueless and displeased..  For I know that discomfort breeds progress

I’m grateful for the brokenness of both my heart and my spirit… For the opportunity to reinvent myself would likely not have come.

I’m grateful that I am in good health, good enough health to challenge myself to better my health and adjust my lifestyle.

For all that has come and all that is still to come, I am grateful.

Constantly striving towards  something. Constantly healing. Constantly growing. Constantly in awareness of happenings, both internal and external.      Constantly wholly embracing self. Constantly loving self.                Constantly expressing gratitude for all of it, every single it. 

My Perfect Love

My perfect love is mine and I am hers.

Like the sun, she rises and lights up on the brightest days but perfectly blends into darkness as the sun sets.

All at once, she is aculmination of the wildest spirits and stroke of the the most gentle sea breeze.

Her crown sits firmly on her head, through every storm she wades with composure and determination.

My perfect love is mine and I am hers…

Her wounds are many, though she wears them like jewels… They come and they go while she strives towards clarity and self mastery, laughing and smiling through every storm she is determined to rule and overrule every hindrance along her journey.

My perfect love is mine and I am hers.

She weeps alone sometimes, lamenting over decisions she took while ruled by pain and emotion… Who she once was while she desperately sought peace, love and while she sought herself.

She is here now. Although the dark clouds are clearing, she remains covered in bruises.. Both visible and invisible, she remains determined.

She is Healing and growing.

She is my perfect love, my perfect love is me.