Today I woke up feeling quite low, not because anything had happened to make me feel that way.
I woke up thinking quite deeply about my life and the purpose I was chasing in making my move from Cape Town to Johannesburg.
I woke up feeling quite disillusioned, and I proceeded to wreck my brain for about an hour trying to reorganize and reprioritize my plans and goals for the year or before I turned 30.
The reasons behind this entire exercise was simply that I was feeling quite panicked at not having met any of the goals I had in mind when I made my big move to the land of the free, as I call it.
What I envisioned when sorting through the endless list of reasons to move was something quite different from the reality I am currently living. This is not because there’s no enjoyment or fulfillment to be found in my day to day life, but rather that the softer and more gentle goals are being met with so much more ease than the bigger goals that I’m still hoping to manifest before the sun sets on 2019… Although my true hope was that these goals would have been manifested by the time the sun sets on my 20’s, 3 sunsets from today.
I proceeded to pick up a book and start reading, in an effort to exercise gentleness and self Love in the midst of the pressure and back handed self prosecution that I was putting myself through. That certainly brought me calm and proceeded to encourage further acts of self Love which took the form of a home made face scrub and mask, mixing of various oils to restore the glow, healthy and charm my dreadlocks, a foot soak and scrub and ended with sitting in the afternoon sun and allowing my now well-nourished dreadlocks to dry in the sun. These dreadlocks were in fact the 26th birthday present I gave myself as an affirmation and representation of my freedom and encouragement in my pursuit for happiness in the ways I wanted to experience it and manifesting the me that I felt had been suppressed for some years. I digress.
At the end of my long day of detailed beauty routines and acts of self love, I find myself feeling quite fulfilled and happy with what I was able to achieve with and for myself today..
I find myself feeling encouraged, as I sit down to restructure and reprioritize my goals, to proceed to carry these out with the same gentleness, enjoyment and certainty of a positive outcome that I adopted as I carried out my acts of self Love today.
Words came to me as I saw my tasks to completion and sat outside in my tranquil garden, a garden I spoke of and searched for relentlessly for over a year.. Even prior to securing a home to settle in when I finally moved.. And even prior to concluding those goals that I had that bound me to Cape Town, I see that I have met many goals, I have enjoyed successes in my pursuits.. More than I fail to remember or choose to ignore in my times of impatience and self prosecution. With intention, I allow myself to acknowledge that I have met many goals,with a committed, relentless and gentle effort.
On a day like this, as I sit here.. I realize and am affirmed of one thing, On a day like this I breathe and wake up to a truth that THIS kind of simple joy, serenity, peace and fulfillment is all I ever wanted from life.
I wish to always be reminded of this, whenever met with feelings and thoughts that consumed me when I woke in this Sunday morning. I wish to be reminded that THIS is the kind of peace that underpins the achieving of all that I intend to pursue that this kind of serenity breeds the creativity, courage and drive that is found at the heart of manifested goals and fulfilled purpose.
2 more sunsets remain, as I approach the first sunrise of being 30. I’m grateful.